If you were smart and showed up early, you have your choice of seats. But, you should realize that most people prefer to sit in middle of the theater, so if you chose to sit there, you’ll probably get surrounded by people.  If you’re late, it may be harder to get a seat in a packed theater. It will also be considerably darker once the previews and movie start. So, you risk sitting in someone’s lap if you show up later, so just get there early.

If the theater is not packed, please do us all a favor and leave a one-seat buffer between you and people you don’t know. If I don’t know you, I really don’t want you sitting right next to me in a dark theater. It’s not personal, it’s just weird. And, if it is packed and I don’t know you please don’t sit right next to me if you’re a dude. I realize sometimes it is unavoidable, but please don’t do it unless absolutely necessary. Most guys don’t want their knees to touch when sitting in broad daylight, let alone in a dark theater.

Assuming the theater isn’t full; do not sit directly in front of or behind someone else. Offset them by a seat, perferrably two. It’s annoying when people sit right around you in an empty theater because they make noise. The closer you are, the more I can hear you trying to open that pack of Reese’s Pieces. So, please give me a buffer.

If you are going to enter or exit a crowded row that requires you to walk past other people in that row, face the front of the theater. This runs counter to what most people think. Most people think you should face the back of the theater, but I don’t like that. First, I don’t want your crotch in my face. Your ass isn’t much better, but at least you can lean forward and pull yourself farther away from my face. Second, if you’re facing me, leaning forward would bring you closer to me and leaning back would thrust your crotch farther into my face. So, the ass is definitely better.

If you want to put your feet up on the seat in front of you, go ahead. But remember that in doing so, you’re kicking the back of everyone’s seat in that row. If you move around a lot, they’ll feel it and get annoyed with you. Also, don’t put your feet up on a seat if a person is sitting in the next seat. Your feet will be right by their head during the entire movie. That’s just not cool.

Similarly, don’t flop down into your chair. This, too, is like kicking the back of everyone in the row’s chair. Sit down normally, and you’ll be fine.

Everyone knows you shouldn’t talk during the movie or leave your cell phone ringer on. But, if you put your phone on vibrate, put it in a pocket by itself. Don’t have loose change or anything else the will rattle if your phone buzzes. Also, chances are that if it buzzes during a quiet moment of the movie, people will hear it. Don’t text during the movie. your phone looks like a spotlight in a dark theater. If you absolutely must, do so in a particularly bright part of the movie so as not to offend too many people, and sit in the back.

You also shouldn’t overreact to the movie. I realize everyone has different senses of humor and different things evoke different emotions. But come on, when most of the people in a theater stop laughing, you should too. Don’t drag it out and extend the laughter beyond that of the masses.

You should also refrain from talking, and if you must speak, whisper softly. Loud whispers are just as annoying as speaking at conversational volume during a movie. If you have to talk, look at the people around you. If you’re too loud, they’ll look at you. This should be your signal to shut up, so please pay attention and look for it. Also, don’t talk to the screen. Stop telling the girl in the horror movie, “Don’t go in there, girl, there’s a man with an axe.” She can’t hear you, and she’s still going to die.

Strangers most likely won’t find your comments funny, and someone may actually start a fight with you, so if you think you’re Seinfeld making comments during a movie, be prepared to defend yourself.

And another thing, and this is perhaps the most important of all, don’t fart in the theater. It’s bad enough that all of the personal scents mix together to create a potpourri of stink, but to add flatulence is a big faux pas. Other movie goers will not appreciate your gas, and it makes for an unpleasant work environment when I have to clean the theaters. I should also note that when the smell of popcorn topped with coconut oil and Coke mix together, it smells a little like a fart. So adding an authentic one to the already-smelly theater makes it that much worse.

If you get there early and notice a problem with the picture before the movie starts, don’t worry. The pre-film roll does not come from the same projector as the movie. If you notice a problem once the movie starts, then report it to someone. But, please, before you do so, make sure it is a real problem. Don’t come out and tell me the movie is playing too fast, and that everything seems sped up if you’ve been drinking. Chances are that it’s you, not the movie. And, I know that because I can smell you.

If you do see a real problem, come let me know and I’ll get the projectionist to check it out. We can’t guarantee it will be fixed, but we’ll try. If we can’t fix it, you should try and see another movie or ask for a refund. Don’t come out, after watching the movie, asking for a refund or free passes. Once you watch the movie, you’ve gotten your money’s worth, regardless of the quality. After all, you chose to stay.

Don’t jump theaters. Most adults don’t do this, but teenagers do. For most movie theater employees, nothing is more enjoyable, work-wise, than throwing a bunch of under-aged kids out of an R rated movie. For me personally, I love when they sit in the front of the theater because I can make sure they get embarrassed and have to do the movie theater walk of shame.

When the movie is over, take your sh*t with you. There are trash cans everywhere so, if you bought a drink and popcorn, take it to them – especially the big items like popcorn bags, boxes or trays, and sodas. I realize it is my job to clean up after you, and I have no problems with it. But the big stuff isn’t easily swept up so it slows down the cleaning process. I don’t care if you leave your little candy boxes behind because I can sweep those up quickly. The same thing goes for spilled popcorn, I can sweep it up quickly, so it doesn’t bother me.

If you are inconsiderate and don’t want to take your stuff with you, then leave it on the floor in the aisle. I can see it quickly and pick it up quickly. Do not wedge it under the seat. That’s just wrong.
 
Make sure you have everything when you leave. This includes cell phones, jackets, and money. Cell phones are probably the most-left-behind item at theaters. Sometimes we find them and turn them in. Sometimes other people find them and walk off with them.

Chances are that if you have quarters in your pocket, they will fall out during the movie. We find them and keep them – we only need to turn in larger sums of money. So, you can kiss those quarters goodbye.

If you can, check to see if your movie has anything after the credits roll. IMDB can usually tell you. If it does, feel free to stay. If it doesn’t, get the hell out. “You ain’t gotta go home, but you gots to get the hell up outta here.” If you stay behind, we can’t clean the theater until you leave. So, we just stand there waiting. Meanwhile, people have already started to show up for the next showing, so you’re holding them up.

I realize sometimes people stay because their second cousin, once removed was a gaffer on the film. I, personally, don’t care if you stay for the credits because the theater should leave enough time between showings, but other employees get annoyed by this. So try to be considerate, and clear the theater as soon as possible.

Part 2: Concession   Part 4: General Rules