Have you ever seen a movie that was so awful that you recommended it to all of your friends just so that they could experience the pain of watching it? For me, that movie was The Protector. That was, until last weekend when I made the mistake of watching The Black Ninja. The movie was so horribly bad that it easily took the title, “Worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life,” beating out the likes of The Protector, Showgirls, and Howard the Duck. 
 
I guess I should tell you what it is about. Malik Ali is an attorney who defends criminals by day and battles them by night as a ninja. Yes, a ninja! The BLACK NINJA! He ends up protecting a shrink who witnessed a mob boss kill a cop. (How she witnessed the crime is beyond me considering that she wasn’t visible in any of the flashback shots of the crime.)

After his henchmen fail to kill the shrink and the Black Ninja, the mob boss hires a Red Ninja to kill them both. I should note that the Red Ninja also killed the Black Ninja’s wife and kids before he was the Black Ninja. It’s what drove him to become a ninja. Apparently, RN was pissed that BN charged him $100,000 (RN’s life savings) to defend him. I wonder how long it takes a ninja to save $100,000. What does the average ninja make these days? We are in a recession, so those few ninjas who manage to survive ninja layoffs probably had to take a pay cut.

Anyway, instead of killing the shrink (as he was hired to do) the RN kidnaps her and forces the BN to steal a diamond from a museum to recoup his $100,000 in exchange for the shrink. The BN does it, but RN does not give up the shrink. So, BN hunts him down to get the shrink back. Sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? Well, as bad as you think it sounds, it’s about 14 times worse if you watch it.
  
Imagine if you got about 10 friends together with your home camcorder and made a movie. That’s exactly what The Black Ninja looks, sounds and feels like. So, I bet you’re wondering why I watched it. Well, my old college roommate was in it. Otherwise I would have skipped it. It was worse than awful, but it did teach me a few interesting things.
 
Lesson number 1: It doesn’t take any sort of fighting skill to be a ninja. All you have to do is watch Enter the Dragon once, wear a Kato-style outfit, and own a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle. You don’t need a sword, shurikens, or any other kind of weapons. You don’t even need to know how to turn on the motorcycle, riding in a straight line will do.

Lesson number 2: All you have to do is tell the cops you’re an old friend of someone and they’ll give you the address where that person is staying, even if said person is a witness in a cop-murder trial.
 
Lesson number 3: “My client is too stupid to have committed the crime” is an actual legal defense, and it works.
 
Lesson number 4: Personal effects, including dolls and photos, can withstand rain, sleet, snow, and anything else for five years when left outside on a gravestone.

Lesson number 5: Thugs can scream even if their mouths are closed.

Lesson number 6: Dead bodies around a bed disappear if you’re about to have sex in said bed.

Lesson number 7: Punching someone sounds exactly the same as giving them a high five.

Lesson number 8: Black ninjas wear masks, red ninjas don’t.
 
Lesson number 9: Stealing an expensive diamond from a museum requires only baby powder and a dental mirror.

Lesson number 10: Never having people over is a valid reason for having no furniture.

And, lesson number 11: There’s no such thing as a bad time to use a triple-replay during a fight scene.

Just think… if I had never watched The Black Ninja, I never would have known these interesting little nuggets. But then again, I would have that 91 minutes of my life back. So, in the end, watching it wasn’t really worth it.

Black Ninja Trailer: