One of the great things about the Internet is that it puts information at our fingertips. Back in the day, most of us had to ask our friends, coworkers and family members how to do certain things. These days, you can find out just about anything with a few keystrokes in a search engine. Don’t know how to freeze tomatoes? Check out eHow. Want to know how to get blood out of silk? Check out wikiHow or Yahoo Answers.

See you get the idea: anything you want, you can find out online.  For example, wondering why Kim Kardashian and Lauren Conrad are famous? Check out Wikipedia.

Anyway, with all of this great information essentially a click of a button away, I shouldn’t have reason to complain, should I? Well, of course I do. I always have a reason to complain.

While I do enjoy being able to find out every minutiae of Seinfeld, I don’t like it when search engines attempt to guess what I am searching for. I know Google, Yahoo, and now Bing all have this option. Basically, it takes your keystrokes and sends them to a server, which then suggests popular terms based on what you entered.
 
This function was created to save searchers time. As a matter of fact, Google says it was created so you can “rest your fingers.” I mean, according to Google, why type, “great wall of china” when you can type “great w.” Ironically, enough, typing “great w” gives you “great wolf lodge” first, then “great wall of China,” but whatever.

It’s also supposed to help you catch mistakes. We’ve all gotten the “Did you mean…” prompt from Google. Sigh.

Anyway, the problem is that when Google tries to guess what I am looking for, it doesn’t actually get it right until I type in the last word. Or it assumes that if I am searching for something free, I must want porn! Stop trying to guess, Google. You never get it right.

For example, let’s say that, hypothetically, I’m being hounded at work by an angry, aggressive, and righteous vegetarian. He or she questions my health and morals on a daily basis, but because I have no witty retorts, I’m made to look the fool. I decide one day that I will not take it anymore. So, I consult Google. My goal is to search, “how to argue against a vegetarian.”

While I’m typing the word “how,” Google displays a window with a list of what it thinks I am searching for. After typing “h” and “o,” the window shows Hotmail. I’m not looking for Hotmail. Nor am I looking for Home Depot, Hollister, horoscope, hobby lobby, Honda or house.
 
When I add the “w,” the list updates: “how to tie a tie.” Really? Are so many people really searching how to tie a tie that Google assumes that anyone who types in the word “how” is trying to figure out how to tie a tie. I had no idea that tie tying was such a highly sought-after skill, but apparently Google servers have it associated with How, which means it must be. (I might have to start Mike’s Tie Tying Service. I’ll be rich and I won’t even have to join MyEcon.) Other things on the list, in order, are “how I met your mother” (it’s a TV show for those of you who don’t know), “how to kiss” (who Googles how to kiss? Teenagers?), “how to get pregnant” (WTF!), “how stuff works,” “how to,” “Howard University,” “how to lose weight,” “Howard Hannah” (Who?), and “how to make a website.”

When I add in the “to” it keeps everything from the list above that has “how to” in it, but it also adds “how to write a resume,” “how to draw,” “how to solve a Rubix Cube” (Easy: peel off the stickers and reapply them so that each side is one color and you’re done!), “how to write a cover letter,” and “how to get a passport.”
 
Adding the word “argue” makes it interesting. Topping this list: “how to argue and win every time.” That’s so easy that people shouldn’t need to search for it. Here’s how to win every argument: disregard facts and logic, and don’t listen to those arguing with you. Eventually, people will get so tired of your stubborn and irrational behavior that they’ll give up. You win! That’s how I do it! Anyway, back to the list: “how to argue effectively (see my previous statements), and how to argue with liberals, spouses, conservatives, Christians, atheists, and Republicans. Also, “how to argue like Jesus” (Apparently it’s a book).
 
If I add “against,” I get how to argue against Christianity, evolution, Creationism, Intelligent Design, a Conservative, Christians, global warming, atheists, and creationists. But, still no vegetarians.
 
Only when I enter “vegetarians,” do I get the search results I wanted. It makes the whole thing seem pointless. Why even create such a function if it doesn’t help the bulk of people? Or, maybe there are just millions of people who don’t know how to tie a tie. If you don’t check it out:

The fortunate thing is that you can turn this annoying feature by changing your preferences. Of course, once you delete the cookies on your computer, guess what, it’ll be back. At least typing “how to delete” gives “how to delete cookies” as the first option.