I watched Tiger Woods’s presser mainly because I had nothing better to do. I wasn’t particularly interested in what the man had to say. It’s not that I don’t believe him; it’s just that I don’t care either way what he did because it doesn’t affect me in any way. That said, I want to share some of my observations and random thoughts about his apology (so that watching the presser at least provided a blog posting and wasn’t a complete waste of time for me).

He wasn’t wearing a tie.

I don’t know about you, but when someone is selling me something (in this case Tiger trying to sell me the fact that he is sorry. *Cough* *cough* bullsh_t *cough* *cough*) I prefer they’d be wearing a tie. It shows me that they’re taking the whole thing seriously. Sans tie gives the impression of someone who is down to earth and laid back, which is not what you want in this situation. If you want me to believe you, wear a tie. And none of that Jonas Brothers/Justin Timberlake casual tie BS! Hate that look. Wear a formal tie with a Windsor knot. That way, you can do the “let me be straight with you” tie-loosen to earn my trust.

He shouldn’t have read from cards.

With all the advancements we’ve seen in teleprompter technology, there’s absolutely no reason for you to come out to address the public with written notes on 3X5 cards. It makes me think you scribbled down your speech 15 minutes before you came out. That, or you’re studying for a French test. Forbes estimated Tiger’s net worth to be $600 million last year. So he could certainly afford to obtain Barack Obama’s teleprompters for this presser.

When you’re reading from 3X5 cards, you have to keep looking down. I once read somewhere that when a person breaks eye contact from another person, the direction their eyes move indicates their level of confidence. If, for example, I’m looking at you, and we make eye contact, then I look down, it indicates I am intimidated or that I am not confident. If I look away to the side, I’m confident and not intimidated. (No idea what it means if I look up after looking you in the eye, so don’t ask.)

Anyway, Tiger had to keep looking down, which makes us naturally question how committed he was to the words on those cards since he didn’t appear confident. And when you add in the awkward pauses that were created when looking at the cards, it appears insincere. Unnatural breaks in a conversation create the appearance of dishonesty. It’s like stalling. We all consciously know he needs to pause to look at the cards, but subconsciously will still think he’s being dishonest.

There were also a few points in the presser that he looked like he was making forced pauses. It was like he was counting in his head the number of seconds to pause. One of the instances was when he was denying allegations that Elin hit him. He said:

Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. (seemingly forced pause) (Head shake) Elin deserves praise not blame.

It could have been that Tiger picked a bad time to forget what to say next. Or it could have been a forced pause. It just seemed forced the way it played out.

He misused inflection.

Anyone who is a skilled public speaker knows how to use inflection to their advantage. Without even knowing how to use, most people know how different inflection changes the meaning of a sentence. “I’m so sorry” is not the same as “I am soooooooo sorry.” So, when Tiger began speaking in a flat, monotonous tone, I would think a lot of people found it insincere. If an apology has consistent changes in inflection and volume, it’s much more likely to be believed.

The only times Tiger’s inflection changed is when he was telling the press to leave his family alone, and denying the allegations of domestic abuse by Elin. And even then, he got louder, but not passionate. He was probably told not to express any anger in the presser because then the press would have more incentive to bury him. But, truth be told, most of the damage is done. So, passionately expressing his anger wouldn’t have been a big deal. If anything, it would prove he is human and had feelings.

He should have expressed a little more sincere anger during the presser. Again, he got loud, but not passionate. Had he expressed genuine anger, it would have added conviction to what he was saying. Then, perhaps, people would have believed him a little more.

He should have practiced his facial expressions more.

Some would characterize Tiger’s facial expressions as sorrowful, but not me. I think they were a little bit distant… detached. (This might sound a little low and conniving… and it is, but) Tiger should have been intensely rubbing his eyes before the presser to make them red. Red eyes makes people think he’s been crying. Crying before the presser would have made him seem more sincere… like he’s truly sorry. Crying at the presser probably would have felt insincere if Tiger is a bad actor.

Anyway, Tiger came out with a somewhat blank stare, which made the audience more aware that he was reading a pre-rehearsed speech. Had he talked with his hands more (He wouldn’t have had to hold cards if he was using the prompters) and used a few more facial expressions, he could have displayed the conviction of his words, thus fostering believability.

His facial expressions from this presser could just as easily have been used in a presser announcing some new Nike golf balls.

I’m not trying to be hard on Tiger because I don’t believe him. I really don’t care. If he’s sorry, that’s great. If not, that’s fine too. Who am I to judge?

At the end of the day, these are just my own personal thoughts of his presser. They could be completely wrong or dead on. But either way, they’re just my opinions.

Before I end this, I’ll just include some things I think Tiger should have said in his presser:

I’m here today to unveil my new iPhone app called Woods B Gone. It automatically erases all of the female names from your contact list. Man, I wish I had that. Just kidding, but seriously, I apologize.

It wasn’t me. It was my evil twin, Lion Woods.

The only performance-enhancing drug I used was Viagra.

As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words… it will come in the form of a big @ss Diamond ring. Thanks for the idea, Kobe.

See the presser: