If you’ve never seen Black Dynamite, you have no idea what you’re missing. Black Dynamite is a parody of the blaxploitation films of the 70s. If you don’t know what a blaxploitation film is, check Wikipedia, or add Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song and Dolemite to your Netflix queue. (You could always add Shaft, too.)

Once you’re familiar enough with blaxploitation movies, you have to watch Black Dynamite. A movie this bad can only be good, especially since it’s bad on purpose.

So, let me tell you a little bit about Black Dynamite. He’s a former Vietnam vet and CIA agent, and by all accounts, a pimp… who vows to clean up the streets after his brother is killed. In the process of avenging his brother’s death, he finds out that his brother worked for the CIA and that some shady organization is filling the orphanages with heroin.

So what’s Black Dynamite – who has a sweet theme song, by the way – going to do? He’s “gonna shake the tree from the roots, rake up the fruits, rip it up out the ground to find out what’s goin down. Don’t worry ‘bout tomorrow ‘cause tonight, Dynamite is gonna make it all right.” I should note, however, that if you interrupt him and finish the quote for him, he’ll threaten to “send your ass back to Crenshaw Pete, with his hot ass coat hangers.” Can you dig it? I can dig it.

Anyway, here are 20 things I learned from watching Black Dynamite.WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS.

1. If you speak in a quasi-English accent with precise diction, a crime boss will not believe you’re really from the streets.  For example, you can’t say something like, “Come on you jive turkeys. What kind of rundown is this?” (with a half-second pause between each word.) You have to say, “C’mon you jive turkeys. What kinda rundown is this?” (with no pauses.) Also, specifying that you’re from the streets and proclaiming you’re not a snitch is probably going to make the crime boss’ goons kill you.

2. In the 70s, car phones looked a lot like regular, home phones. They even have the same rings.

3. It’s okay to Kung Fu kick old ladies – but only if you’re 100% sure they’re hiding cats named Nipsy who haven’t paid up.

4. Never interrupt a black man’s Kung Fu. On a side note, if you’re going to practice Kung Fu, a red bandana, a red sash, and a pair of black pants is the only acceptable uniform to wear. You can not wear a shirt! When fighting goons, however, you can wear whatever you’d like.

5. The “old pie in the windowsill” trick consists of tricking someone into thinking you’re in front of them when in fact you’ve circled back behind them and turned the tables. CIA agents easily fall for this.

6. My friends need better nicknames. I don’t know about you, but if I had friends I called “Bullhorn, Cream Corn, Chicago Wind, Chocolate Giddy-Up, and Tasty Freeze” that would be pretty awesome, and I think my life would be much more interesting. Chocolate Giddy-Up!

7. If you drive off a cliff, your car will explode before hitting the ground. Also, if the car is expensive, say a Porsche, it will switch to a much cheaper car before driving off said cliff and blowing up.

8. CIA badges say “License to Kill” on them.

9. You can’t shake the “poisonous s–t” (smack) out of a little kid’s “smacked-up body.” Others have tried to no avail.

10. Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles started out as Roscoe’s Chili and Donuts. Cream Corn should be credited with giving Roscoe the idea of chicken and waffles.

11. Donuts don’t wear alligator shoes.

12. Pimps hold meetings in which they take votes.

13. Zodialogical astronomy was created by the Greeks in 785 BC, and 785 is the area code of Topeka, Kansas.

14. The old “Birthday candle” trick is when you fake being shot, confusing the person who is pointing a gun at you. Then, as they look around to see where the bullet came from, you shoot them.

15. There is, in actuality, a place called Kung Fu Island. It has palm trees and, for some odd reason, as least one building there flies both a Dixie flag and an American flag. Well, I should say flew because the building was blown up.

16. Asian Kung Fu masters methodically stoke their freakishly long, white goatees. I presume this is to project a sinister look.

17. Kung Fu treachery is one hell of a way to die. If someone is decapitated, there will be no blood as long as they were killed by Kung Fu treachery.

18. President Nixon owns a pair of nunchaku and knows Kung Fu. Whether or not he is any good using either one is debatable.

19. The ghost of Abraham Lincoln knows Kung Fu. He appears to know Tiger’s Claw.

20. If you pimp-slap the First Lady into a china cabinet, you should apologize even if she shot at you but did not connect. If she did connect, however, pimp-slapping her into the china cabinet is justified.

Trailer: