The plan was to get to the track by 8:30 p.m.; we were meeting friends there. I got to Mike’s around 7:45 p.m. and we left shortly thereafter. The problem is that MIR is in the middle of fumblebuck Maryland and is @ss-far away from Mike’s place in Alexandria. The ride is like an hour and a half.

While we were on our way, we passed some d-bag kid in an older (1997-1999ish) BMW M3. We weren’t speeding, or attempting to race – just trying to get to the track. He, however, wanted to prove that his car was faster, even though we all knew it wasn’t. Perhaps the massive amount of gel in this kid’s hair was putting too much pressure on his brain for it to operate correctly. I really don’t know.

But, he would get behind us, ride on our tail, then move to pass us, then slam on the brakes to avoid slower car, and get behind us and do it again. He did it about three times. Eventually he made the pass. He must have felt like he accomplished something. Way to go, kid.

Anyway, we arrived at the track after 9 p.m., I think. We drove up to the gate and were informed it was $20 to race and $10 to watch. We were given a form to fill out so that Mike could race. The form basically asked for your contact information and car information, and contained the rules for racing and a liability waiver.

To paraphrase, it basically said don’t act like a jack@ss when you’re not on the track, and if you die, sucks for you, but it ain’t our fault. We drove to tech inspection and were greeted by a big dude. He gave Mike a pen to fill out the form and looked at the car. I should note that he did not look over the car, he simply looked at it.

After filling out the form, he wrote an identifying number in the right corner of Mike’s windshield and on his rear, passenger side window. Mike asked if he needed to have his car inspected, to which the guy replied, “You’re good.” I don’t know exactly what a tech inspection entails, but it didn’t seem like much since it could be performed without touching the car or raising the hood.

After that, we drove over to park and wait for them to call the street division. We caught up with Mike’s brother-in-law, Andy, and his friends, Mike and Tommy. Andy has a slammed Mustang Cobra while other Mike and Tommy have Mustang GTs.

Other Mike, Tommy, and Andy all gave Mike pointers on anticipating the tree (designates the start) and making his first pass down the track. They told him how many RPMs he should be turning at the start and how to stage.

When you approach the track, there is a small trench with water in it. Cars with racing slicks (no tread) wet their tires, and then perform a burnout to heat the tires, lay rubber on the track, and remove debris from the tires. This improves traction. If you have treaded tires, like Mike does, you avoid the water box because your tires will drip water on the track, making it unsafe for those who run after you. Most people with street tires skipped the burnout.

As you roll forward, approaching the tree, a set of yellow lights come on indicating that you’ve pre-staged (you’re roughly seven inches from the starting line). You roll forward a bit more and a second set of lights comes on, indicating you’re staged (at the starting line).  You can roll forward a little more to gain a slight advantage, but you’d be very close to being disqualified.

Once both cars are staged (the “staged” lights are on for both drivers) three amber lights illuminate one at a time about a half second apart, and then a green light illuminates about a half second after that indicating the start of the race. Tommy and other Mike were telling Mike that he should start to go on the last amber light instead of waiting for the green. If you wait, they said, you’ll be slow. If, however, you leave the starting line too early, you get a red light, which means you’re disqualified.

On his first pass, Mike skipped the burnout and rolled up to stage. Perhaps being a bit amped up to race, he rolled a little too far forward. His staging lights came on and went back off so he had to back up. I can’t imagine that this is uncommon for a driver on his first night of racing. Fortunately he didn’t roll too far ahead otherwise he would have been disqualified. His opponent, a Ford pickup, staged perfectly.

They both had good reaction times and took off almost simultaneously. But, Mike’s car, having much more horsepower and being much lighter, opened up a 5 car length lead in the first few hundred feet and was gone. He ran the quarter-mile in 13.43 seconds at 109.50 mph. His reaction time was .043, which is decent. Not a bad run, considering it was his first time.

The first run is heads up (both drivers start at the same time), and it determines your dial-in time. I could be explaining this wrong, but in order to win a race you have to cross the finish line first, without breaking out (running quicker than your dial-in time.) So, the time on your windshield is essentially a time you can’t run faster than unless you want to be disqualified. This explains why several cars were braking before the finish line… they knew they had the race won and didn’t want to break out and get disqualified, I assume.

After your first run, you have to write this time on your windshield and your passenger side rear window, under your car number.

Mike parked and waited for the next round of the street division. In the meantime, we wandered around, checking out other cars and talking to the other racers. A couple of guys came over to Mike’s car to ask about his oil catch can. They wanted to know if he made it himself. He informed them where he got it. Next thing you know, we head over to check out their car, a 2001 Mustang GT Bullitt, designed after the car made famous in the Steve McQueen movie. The guy dropped a turbo in it, too. It looked awesome despite needing to be washed.

We talked to a few other guys. One had a 2009 or 2010 Challenger with a Hemi. He told us that it wasn’t running right and he was trying to figure out why. He came off a little like a d-bag, but perhaps he was preoccupied with trying to figure out what was up with his car. We quickly moved on.   

After the pro division wrapped up, round 2 of the street division was up. On his second pass, Mike was taking on a 1970 340 Dodge Dart. In ET (Elapsed Time) Bracket Racing, cars with varying performance levels can compete against each other. The times of the two cars are compared, and the slower car gets a head start based on the time difference between the two cars.

Mike’s car was faster than the Dart, so the Dart got a head start to level the playing field. But, the guy in the Dart jumped the start and he got a red light and was disqualified. Mike moved on to the next round.

On the run, Mike didn’t have as quick a start as he did the first time – I suspect he was overthinking, trying to apply the advice Tommy and other Mike gave him to improve his starting time. His first run, he just reacted. His second run, he was thinking about how to improve and ended up doing worse. He also said he missed a shift towards the end of the track. Several of the guys we talked to thought that he might have been throwing it into gear before fully depressing the clutch. Anyway, that killed his speed but it didn’t matter because he was moving on.

On the third run, Mike was up against a 1987- 1993 Mustang Coupe. This guy was an experienced drag racer, and had probably been to the track a few times before. Mike’s car was slower so he was supposed to get a head start. The announcer even started to say it. But, before we knew it, the coupe was far ahead and easily cruising to victory.

I didn’t get the tree in the video but I assume Mike didn’t get going when his light changed because the guy in the Coupe took off at about the same time Mike did and he didn’t receive a red light. (Maybe Mike was too busy looking at the paint scheme… I don’t know.) By the time Mike got going, the Coupe had a five-to-seven car length lead. It was over. Mike said he again missed a shift. In the video you can hear him throw it into neutral – even if just barely. Mike was eliminated.

We hung out and watched Tommy make a couple more passes until he was eliminated. Then we took off. All in all, it was a fun time. Met some interesting people and got to see some fun racing. One day, I might hit the track. Of course, not in my Honda Civic.

Tommy vs. other Mike (red w/ silver stripes):

Other Mike vs. a Chevy Bel Air:

Tommy vs. Toyota Rav 4:

Tommy vs. Third generation Mustang:

On the penultimate jump, however, she attempted a method grab, which is an aerial trick where the snowboarder torques the board and then grabs it in mid-air. There was absolutely no need for her to do this; she was just showing off. Well, needless to say, she landed on the edge of her board and fell.

She was able to recover but not before Frieden zoomed by her and took the gold. She recovered to win the silver, but that was of little consolation.

In this year’s Olympics, she was the gold-medal favorite in the same event. Redemption was the name of the game. She took the lead right out of the gate in the semi-final round. But, she caught too much of air on the third big jump, and landed too close to Canadian Maelle Ricker, her biggest competition for the gold. She stumbled heading into the sharp left-hander, losing her balance and crashing through the inside gate, resulting in an immediate disqualification.

Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports wants to add Jacobellis to the dictionary. The definition of Jacobellis is:

1. To cost oneself athletic glory and sentence oneself to a lifetime of smarmy people using surname as a verb, esp. through youthfully hubristic hot-dogging. 2. To spin out and end an Olympic Games in disappointment.

I decided, out of sheer boredom, which admittingly is the reason I do a lot of the things I do for this blog, to take a look at some examples of Jacobellising.

Some would classify Jacobellising as an epic sports fail. I think that’s a little too broad. In order for me to classify something as Jacobellising, I think it needs to meet certain criteria. First, the athlete must showboat.

In a Thanksgiving  Day game in 1993, Dallas led Miami with 15 seconds remaining. Miami attempted a 41-yard field goal, but missed. Leon Lett attempted to cover the ball, but due to snow and sleet, was unable to. Had he let the ball sit, the Cowboys would have received the ball back automatically. But, by touching it, the ball became live, allowing Miami to recover it.They then kicked another field goal to win the game. This, however, doesn’t count as Jacobellising because Lett was not showboating. 

Leon Lett’s showboating in Superbowl XXVII did cost him a touchdown, but did not cost the Cowboys the victory, so that play is disqualified as well.

Kenny Perry’s collaspe at the 2009 Master’s Tournament, giving up a two-shot lead over the final two holes, does not count as Jacobellising because he lost as the result of mistakes, not showboating. Nor does Bill Buckner’s infamous 1986 World Series error because it was a mistake, not showboating.

Second, the showboating must cost the athlete the win. For this reason, Dre Bly’s interception, then fumble doesn’t make this list because his team was down 25 points at the time, and the play did not affect the outcome of the game. DeSean Jackson’s fumble before crossing the goal line against Dallas is also disqualified because of this.

In 2003, Bjorn Wirdheim, a Swedish Formula 3000 Series driver, was on his way to an easy win at Monaco, with an insurmountable lead going into the final corner. But, before taking the checkered flag, he slowed to wave to his pit crew, allowing Nicolas Kiesa, who was running at full speed, to pass him and take the win.

Jean Van de Velde, a French golfer, was on his way to winning The Open Championship in 1999. All he needed was a double-bogey six on the 18th hole to become the first Frenchman to win it since 1907.

He had a three-shot lead, but still chose to use his driver off the tee. He drove the ball to the right of the burn. He then went for the green on his second shot, instead of his third, which would have been safer/smarter. The shot hit the grandstands and rolled into the rough.

On the downswingof his third shot, he tangled his club in the rough, and the shot sailed into the burn. He took a drop and proceeded to hit the ball into the greenside bunker. His sixth shot, which was from the bunker, landed six feet from the hole. He made the putt on his seventh shot for a triple-bogey seven, dropping him into a three-way tie with Justin Leonard and Paul Lawrie. He eventually lost in the playoff.

Bill Shoemaker was a jockey who rode in the 1957 Kentucky Derby. He was out front, riding Gallant Man on his way to victory when stood up in his stirrups to celebrate the victory, having misjudged the finish line. Bill Hartack riding Iron Liege passed Shoemaker to win the race.

Here is an unidentified cyclist Jacobellising. I’m not sure which race this was, but it is rumored to be the Paris Roubaix. Some put the date at 2005, but the quality of the video and my research indicates that is not accurate.

Anyway, the leader is a few feet from the finish line and he decided to put his hands up in celebration. He ends up falling and either knocking off his chain or breaking it. When he jumps back on the bike, he pedals, but the bike goes nowhere. He is forced to watch another rider win while he runs his bike across the finish line.

Several motorcycle racers celebrate too early and end up costing themselves a win: Julian Simon and Shaun Emmet are two examples.

These are just a few of the examples of Jacobellising; I’m sure there are many more. But few have come on a stage as big as the Olympics. Still, if another athlete commits a more egregious showboating mistake than Jacobellis’s, that person’s surname should replace her’s in the dictionary.

If you’ve ever been to a Starbucks, you know that the person who you order from is usually not the person who makes your order. This leads to cups being placed on a counter and the contents of the cup being yelled out. Starbucks and its patrons assume that no one would take a cup that’s not theirs. We all assume that the type of people who frequent Starbuck don’t steal. We assume that they don’t conduct themselves like that. So, there’s no security.
 
If you had the guts, you could just walk in when it is really busy. Stand waiting by the pickup counter. And take the second or third Cup they put up there and tell them it is yours. If the person who actually ordered the drink speaks up, all you have to do is tell them you’ve been waiting almost 20 minutes for your drink and they’ll back down. When that person realizes that a long time has gone by and they haven’t received their drink, they will tell the person making them and boom… they make another one. No harm, no foul. It’s sort of like a victimless crime… well except for Starbucks. But, who would feel that bad about stealing overpriced coffee from Starbucks?*

Example 2: Movie Theatre
 
Most, if not all, larger movie theatres funnel customers to one entrance with an usher stand. Once you’re inside, an honor system exists that you will go to the movie you’ve paid for and will leave once it is over. Kids, especially 15- and 16-year-olds, are watched because they will try to sneak into rated R movies. But adults? No one watches us.
 
So, theoretically of course, on a busy day or night, you could pay to see one movie, and then check out a second movie for free by just walking from one theater to another. You just cut your movie ticket price in half by doing that.
 
The movie theater, like Starbucks, assumes that we, as adults, know better, and don’t conduct ourselves in that way. They assume that we’ll obey the unspoken, but silently understood rule that we pay for one movie, we go to one movie.  What’s to stop us from breaking that rule? Nothing, other than the fact that we’re adults and don’t behave that way.

Example 3: The Office

At the office, people assume that their belongings, including lunches, are safe. That’s a pretty reasonable assumption, especially if you work in a very small office in terms of number of people. If you work in a larger office, the risk of theft goes up, but for the most part, we all assume that working professionals don’t steal items from their colleagues. And when something does go missing, we usually think it’s someone from the janitorial crew, or someone with a personal vendetta against us.

Putting your name on your lunch is not a security feature. It simply lets the thief know whose food he is eating. I’ve seen countless notes on my office refrigerator chiding someone for stealing the writer’s lunch. But people still put their lunches in there, unguarded.
 
Why? Because we assume working professionals know how to act and won’t steal lunches. So, to someone who doesn’t care, there’s free food ripe for the picking.
 
These are just three examples. There are several more, I assure you. But these illustrate the point that most of us expect people to conduct themselves with a minimum manner of decency. And, because of that assumption, we take for granted the fact that anyone could simply lower their level of decency and take advantage of us.

*  I do not condone stealing from Starbucks, violating the movie theater’s policy of purchasing a ticket for every movie you see, or taking your coworkers’ lunches. These illustrations were for comedic and philosophical purposes. I assume no liability if any of you are arrested while attempting any of the things outlined in this posting.

I currently work in the same building (not for the same company) as a girl I used to work with about five or six years ago. It took me about four weeks to remember exactly who she was. I could remember her face, but couldn’t remember her name, or where I knew her from. Then, one day it just came to me. It’s Katie.

When we worked together before, we were cordial and social in that we spoke at work and at company happy hours. But we didn’t really interact one-on-one much inside work because we worked on two different teams: she was on the sales team; I was on the production team.  But, I do remember her, and speaking to her at work-related social functions.

For the last six months, I’ve walked past her office (she’s next to the cafeteria – so it’s a high traffic area) without saying a word, but have occasionally made eye contact with her for the half-second that I’m in front of her open door.

Every time this happens, I think to myself, “Does she remember me? Is she wondering how she knows me? Do I look familiar to her? Is she asking herself these same, dumb questions?”

For a normal, socially skilled person, they might talk to her and let her know that they used to work together. But not me. I’m not socially awkward. Don’t get me wrong. But, I also don’t charge into social situations with my social guns blazing. I’m quieter. Subtle. I’m like a social ninja.
 
When I enter a social situation, people don’t even know I’m there. They sense something, but they just don’t know it for sure. They ask, “Is this a social situation? Are we exchanging pleasantries?” By the time they hit that second question in their head, I’m gone, and they have no idea what happened. They feel like I just stole something from them… like a ninja.

Now with this girl, I have not had the opportunity to use my ninja approach. With her, our social battle would be more like trying to sneak into a fortress that’s located in the middle of an open field in broad daylight wearing a shirt that says, “Intruder.” No matter how I approach, she already knows that I shouldn’t be there.
 
Unfortunately for me, I have been thrust into a social battle. I got an email from a concierge company that gets discount tickets to local events. From the list of events, I decided to purchase tickets to Disney On Ice: Celebration! I emailed the concierge company to find out where I need to drop of the order form for the tickers.

Guess who replied? Her! Guess who I need to give this form to? Her!

So now, I’m filled with anxiety – comical anxiety – but anxiety nonetheless.
 
(It’s funny that having a girlfriend doesn’t lessen the anxiety even though there’s no potential romance factor to consider. You would think having a girlfriend would make it easier to talk to women in a normal, not-hitting-on-you way. Sadly, it does not when you have to factor in the “um do you remember me” aspect.)

I’m asking myself, “Is she going to remember me?” I like to think I have a pretty good memory, and I often remember things/people that most others would forget. Some might consider this a good thing, but if you actually consider it, it’s quite a curse. It all but guarantees that I will remember her and she won’t remember me.

Few things are more humiliating than remembering someone who doesn’t remember you. So, then I start asking myself, “do I just hope she remembers me, and let her know that I remember her? Or do I just pretend like I don’t remember her and let her initiate the ‘hey we used to work together conversation’”?

I like the second choice because it has the highest likelihood of us just nodding and going our separate ways. But, I don’t know. It seems like the cowardly choice. And, I’m a social ninja, remember? I’m not a coward. Okay – so here it goes.

(This is where I go down to her office to purchase the tickets. It will seem like an instant to you, in writing. But, in actuality about 10 minutes have passed.)

As I left my cube, confidence was high. I was walking tall, thinking, “I’m a social ninja!” As I got closer and closer to the office, doubt beagn to set in: “What if she doesn’t remember you? Then you’ll feel like an idiot if you say something. So don’t say a word. Yeah, you’re not a social ninja, you’re a social coward… it’s time to start acting like one.”

Confidence was falling… fast. I began walking slower; stomach in knots over what was likely to only be a minute-long exchange. This is why I hate forced social interaction. You psych yourself out and make it bigger than it needs to be.

Anyway, I entered her office, and – wait for it – she wasn’t there!

Another girl was there to take my order form for the tickets. “Disney On Ice tickets? You’ve been speaking with Katie, right?,” she said.

%$^&%$#@#$%#$!!!  She wasn’t there. All that build up, all that nervousness over potential awkwardness… for nothing. It figures… That’s the way things work, it seems. And the kicker is that I’ll have to go through this all again once the tickets arrive! Grrr…

Any website that gives you advice on how to conduct a yard sale tells you to contact your town to make sure that you don’t need a permit. I, personally, think it would suck to live in a place where you need a permit to have a yard sale.

For example in Rialto, CA, you need a $5.20 permit to have a yard sale. And, you can only have them during the first weekends in March, June, September, and December. You can only sell stuff you own in your home (how the hell would they know?) and you can’t sell anything “acquired [by] or consigned to [you] for the purposes of resale.” Your signs must be smaller than 864 square inches (which is approximately 29.5 inches by 29.5 inches). Can you imagine watching a cop measure a sign? Hahaha.
 
Anyway, you can only hold the sale for three consecutive days, and you have to return the permit by the Tuesday after your weekend sale. Violation of these rules will cost you $135 per violation. That’s crazy!

But, since I don’t want to negate the money I earn from the sale, I called the town to make sure that no permits were required, and a woman confirmed that, so long as I wasn’t having a yard sale every weekend. If I were, then I would be considered a business and would need a permit.

She also told me that I couldn’t put signs in the right-of-way. Now, I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but I was struck with a moment of stupidity. When she said that, I was picturing a yard sale sign in the middle of the road because to me, and most drivers, right-of-way is the right of use of a traffic path to the exclusion of another user. So, I thought to myself,” Why would I put my signs in the street?” I’m so glad I didn’t actually ask her that.
 
After that, I looked up what a right-of-way is: a strip of land that is granted – through an easement or other mechanism – for transportation purposes. Basically, that means the area between the sidewalk and the curb. You homeowners know; it’s the strip of grass that you don’t own in front of your house, yet still have to cut.

I wanted to confirm this with the town, so I called again. It turns out that right-of-way includes telephone poles, stop and other traffic signs, and your mailbox. I know she meant not to put signs on the pole of a stop sign, but you know someone out there would put their sign over the stop sign itself, causing mayhem.
 
The woman on the phone also gave me some super-secret, down-low info: your sign won’t be messed with unless your violation is obnoxious (i.e. covering a stop sign). Apparently, our town police have more important things to do than tear down yard sale signs.

If you need change, get it from the box office, don’t ask someone at concession. The computer program that runs the concession stand is different than the one that runs the box office. So, it’s not that we are lazy and don’t want to get you change; it’s that we can’t get you change because the register won’t allow it unless you purchase something.

Remember that I’m just a powerless movie theater employee. Most things that you’re likely to complain about, I can’t fix. I’ll have to call a manager. I’m not authorized to let you switch theaters, let you in with outside food or drink, or allow you to enter a theater to look for your kids. So, don’t get mad when I can’t provide a solution. Most times, it is better to just request a manager right off the bat.

Again, we count everything. So I can’t just give you a bag or a cup (other than a tiny courtesy cup) so don’t ask. I can give you a tray, but that’s really it. Anything else, and you’ll have to pay for it. Sorry, but it isn’t my decision.

If you’re seeing a digital, 3-D movie, you’re going to be charged more. This isn’t for the 3-D glasses. This is for the 3-D presentation. The glasses are not yours to keep. And it’s pretty pointless to try to steal them because you’re not going to save money on your next 3-D movie ticket purchase because you’ll still be charged the extra $3 to $4 for the digital presentation. They’ll also give you another free pair to use at your next 3-D movie, so why would you want them? Not to mention the fact that they don’t work anywhere else.
   
If you keep this stuff in mind, and are just considerate, you can ensure that you and everyone else has an enjoyable time at the movies.

Part 3: In the Theater

If the theater is not packed, please do us all a favor and leave a one-seat buffer between you and people you don’t know. If I don’t know you, I really don’t want you sitting right next to me in a dark theater. It’s not personal, it’s just weird. And, if it is packed and I don’t know you please don’t sit right next to me if you’re a dude. I realize sometimes it is unavoidable, but please don’t do it unless absolutely necessary. Most guys don’t want their knees to touch when sitting in broad daylight, let alone in a dark theater.

Assuming the theater isn’t full; do not sit directly in front of or behind someone else. Offset them by a seat, perferrably two. It’s annoying when people sit right around you in an empty theater because they make noise. The closer you are, the more I can hear you trying to open that pack of Reese’s Pieces. So, please give me a buffer.

If you are going to enter or exit a crowded row that requires you to walk past other people in that row, face the front of the theater. This runs counter to what most people think. Most people think you should face the back of the theater, but I don’t like that. First, I don’t want your crotch in my face. Your ass isn’t much better, but at least you can lean forward and pull yourself farther away from my face. Second, if you’re facing me, leaning forward would bring you closer to me and leaning back would thrust your crotch farther into my face. So, the ass is definitely better.

If you want to put your feet up on the seat in front of you, go ahead. But remember that in doing so, you’re kicking the back of everyone’s seat in that row. If you move around a lot, they’ll feel it and get annoyed with you. Also, don’t put your feet up on a seat if a person is sitting in the next seat. Your feet will be right by their head during the entire movie. That’s just not cool.

Similarly, don’t flop down into your chair. This, too, is like kicking the back of everyone in the row’s chair. Sit down normally, and you’ll be fine.

Everyone knows you shouldn’t talk during the movie or leave your cell phone ringer on. But, if you put your phone on vibrate, put it in a pocket by itself. Don’t have loose change or anything else the will rattle if your phone buzzes. Also, chances are that if it buzzes during a quiet moment of the movie, people will hear it. Don’t text during the movie. your phone looks like a spotlight in a dark theater. If you absolutely must, do so in a particularly bright part of the movie so as not to offend too many people, and sit in the back.

You also shouldn’t overreact to the movie. I realize everyone has different senses of humor and different things evoke different emotions. But come on, when most of the people in a theater stop laughing, you should too. Don’t drag it out and extend the laughter beyond that of the masses.

You should also refrain from talking, and if you must speak, whisper softly. Loud whispers are just as annoying as speaking at conversational volume during a movie. If you have to talk, look at the people around you. If you’re too loud, they’ll look at you. This should be your signal to shut up, so please pay attention and look for it. Also, don’t talk to the screen. Stop telling the girl in the horror movie, “Don’t go in there, girl, there’s a man with an axe.” She can’t hear you, and she’s still going to die.

Strangers most likely won’t find your comments funny, and someone may actually start a fight with you, so if you think you’re Seinfeld making comments during a movie, be prepared to defend yourself.

And another thing, and this is perhaps the most important of all, don’t fart in the theater. It’s bad enough that all of the personal scents mix together to create a potpourri of stink, but to add flatulence is a big faux pas. Other movie goers will not appreciate your gas, and it makes for an unpleasant work environment when I have to clean the theaters. I should also note that when the smell of popcorn topped with coconut oil and Coke mix together, it smells a little like a fart. So adding an authentic one to the already-smelly theater makes it that much worse.

If you get there early and notice a problem with the picture before the movie starts, don’t worry. The pre-film roll does not come from the same projector as the movie. If you notice a problem once the movie starts, then report it to someone. But, please, before you do so, make sure it is a real problem. Don’t come out and tell me the movie is playing too fast, and that everything seems sped up if you’ve been drinking. Chances are that it’s you, not the movie. And, I know that because I can smell you.

If you do see a real problem, come let me know and I’ll get the projectionist to check it out. We can’t guarantee it will be fixed, but we’ll try. If we can’t fix it, you should try and see another movie or ask for a refund. Don’t come out, after watching the movie, asking for a refund or free passes. Once you watch the movie, you’ve gotten your money’s worth, regardless of the quality. After all, you chose to stay.

Don’t jump theaters. Most adults don’t do this, but teenagers do. For most movie theater employees, nothing is more enjoyable, work-wise, than throwing a bunch of under-aged kids out of an R rated movie. For me personally, I love when they sit in the front of the theater because I can make sure they get embarrassed and have to do the movie theater walk of shame.

When the movie is over, take your sh*t with you. There are trash cans everywhere so, if you bought a drink and popcorn, take it to them – especially the big items like popcorn bags, boxes or trays, and sodas. I realize it is my job to clean up after you, and I have no problems with it. But the big stuff isn’t easily swept up so it slows down the cleaning process. I don’t care if you leave your little candy boxes behind because I can sweep those up quickly. The same thing goes for spilled popcorn, I can sweep it up quickly, so it doesn’t bother me.

If you are inconsiderate and don’t want to take your stuff with you, then leave it on the floor in the aisle. I can see it quickly and pick it up quickly. Do not wedge it under the seat. That’s just wrong.
 
Make sure you have everything when you leave. This includes cell phones, jackets, and money. Cell phones are probably the most-left-behind item at theaters. Sometimes we find them and turn them in. Sometimes other people find them and walk off with them.

Chances are that if you have quarters in your pocket, they will fall out during the movie. We find them and keep them – we only need to turn in larger sums of money. So, you can kiss those quarters goodbye.

If you can, check to see if your movie has anything after the credits roll. IMDB can usually tell you. If it does, feel free to stay. If it doesn’t, get the hell out. “You ain’t gotta go home, but you gots to get the hell up outta here.” If you stay behind, we can’t clean the theater until you leave. So, we just stand there waiting. Meanwhile, people have already started to show up for the next showing, so you’re holding them up.

I realize sometimes people stay because their second cousin, once removed was a gaffer on the film. I, personally, don’t care if you stay for the credits because the theater should leave enough time between showings, but other employees get annoyed by this. So try to be considerate, and clear the theater as soon as possible.

Part 2: Concession   Part 4: General Rules

If you see one person working the register and another person helping them out, that usually means that the helper doesn’t have a register. So, they can’t take orders, they can only help fill them. This is a management decision, not an employee decision. So, instead of asking why there is only one person taking orders in concession, shut up and be glad that they’re helping expedite the process. If you see two people just talking, not doing anything behind the counter for an extended period of time, then you have a right to be mad.

When it’s your turn to order, know what you want. Don’t ask me for a popcorn and Raisinettes combo and then, once I start preparing it, stop me and say you want a hot dog instead. Same thing goes for soda. The soda tower is automated, so I just need to press one button to start filling up your cup. Because of that, we’re trained to start sodas first. Then we go fulfill the rest of the order. So, if you change your mind from Coke to Sprite, do it quick. Otherwise, you’re going to get Sprite mixed with a hint of Coke because I’m not going to spoil a soda cup. (We count everything at the theater, so we have to account for everything. So, once we start using a cup, we either have to give it to the customer, or we have to give a reason why we’re throwing it out (spoiling). Spoiling too much stuff will get me in trouble, so I have to re-use when it is sanitary).

Depending on the movie theater, some places bag the popcorn before you order it while others – like mine – bag it as you order it. Bagging it per order takes longer, especially if you want butter in the middle. By the way, the butter is not real butter, it is butter flavoring that consists of coconut oil (sometimes it contains coconut, corn and canola oils) and beta carotene. We can’t use real butter because it shrivels the popcorn. Anyway, when ordering, always be clear about whether or not you want butter and whether or not you want it layered (in the middle). Popcorn is a pain in the ass, and doesn’t always fill the bag properly, so pay attention. When we set it down, it may fall over. Just keep an eye out so we don’t have to try to balance it as if we’re trying to pull out a piece during a game of Jenga.

Another thing about the popcorn: we have to push the oldest popcorn first. So, if you order popcorn, we’re going to get it from the bin, not the popper. You can ask for fresh popcorn, but realize it takes a little longer, and will probably annoy those behind you. But, if you don’t care, usually I don’t care. The busier it is, the smaller the time gap between the popcorn in the bin and the popcorn in the popper. So, you probably don’t need to ask for fresher popcorn because the difference is negligible. The oldest popcorn you’re going to get is probably an hour old. You’re not getting popcorn from three days ago, just FYI.

Remember the oldest product is pushed first. So, in theaters that have hot dogs, you’re getting the oldest one on the rollers. That means you’re getting the darkest, hardest, most shriveled one. (If you have time, check out how hot dogs are made. Note: Our movie theater uses 100% beef hot dogs.)  If you request a fresher one, we can give it to you, but then we’ll be asked by our manager and will have to explain it. So, we’re not going to give you the freshest one without you requesting it.

As far as candy goes: if you don’t see it, we don’t have it. If you don’t see Junior Mints in the display case, we don’t have them (even though they have been known to save a life). Just like we don’t have Mountain Dew. The movie theater hypes their product, so everything we have is on display. Also, call your order by the right name: they’re called Reese’s Pieces, not Reese’s Peanuts, Ree-shee pieces, and certainly not those things with the peanuts. If you’re not sure check the display to see what they’re called.

Speaking of display, sizes are also on display. Look around – sometimes up – and you’ll see them. If you want to compare to fast food places, a movie theater small soda is the same size as a fast food chain’s medium. So, when you order a medium, and find that it is the same size as a large McDonalds soda, don’t be surprised. And, don’t – and I can’t stress this enough – grab the cup by the bottom and squeeze. The top will pop off, most likely covering your arm and the counter in soda. I try to warn people of this all the time, but they still do it and still end up with soda on their sleeves. Jabronies.

Once you have everything, I’ll tell you the total. Most everyone, at this point, complains about how high the prices are – “$5 for a soda?” Yes! Movie theater prices are high, and they add up fast. But, I don’t decide on the prices, the owner does. So, I don’t want to hear about how you think you’re getting robbed. Either accept it, or don’t get food.

Part 1: Entering     Part 3: In The Theater

Everyone knows that you should turn off your cell phone, and refrain from talking. Sure there are inconsiderate morons who still leave their cell phones on or talk, but for the most part everyone gets it.
 
I’m writing, however, to tell you – from the perspective of both a movie watcher and movie theater employee – of some of the lesser-known movie theater rules; an unspoken movie theater code, if you will, that should be followed to ensure that everything moves smoothly and quickly, and that everyone enjoys their movie watching experience.

First, leave yourself enough time before your movie to buy tickets and get concessions. I can’t tell you how important this is. Most people assume that they have about 15 minutes worth of previews, so if their movie starts at 7:30, they can show up at 7:30 to buy their tickets. Sometimes this works, and there’s no problem. Other times, you show up at 7:30 to see The Hangover and there’s a 7:45 showing of Harry Potter, and guess what? You’re standing in line, and are going to be late.

If this happens, don’t get upset at the person working the box office. It’s not our fault you showed up late. It’s not our fault that the lady in front of you has six kids who are running around like a pack of hyperactive Chihuahuas. It’s not our fault that ticket printer is out of paper. We’re just working here.

After you’ve purchased your tickets, please do us a few favors. One, don’t lose them during the 8- to 10-foot walk to the usher’s stand. Don’t put them in your pocket. Having to fiddle with the tickets in front of the usher’s stand holds up the line and makes you look stupid.

If you do misplace them, don’t go up to the usher’s stand until you find them. I can’t tell you how many times people have emptied their pockets or purses on the usher stand looking for tickets. This slows everyone down, and makes you look like an idiot. Just stand aside feeling through your pockets or purse until you find your ticket.

Number two, don’t give us your credit card receipt. Just give us your tickets. If you’re unsure which is which, look at them. Your movie ticket will have the name of the movie, the date/time and a barcode. If you give us the receipt we just have to waste time handing it back to you.
 
And, favor number three: When trying to enter the theater don’t bring outside food or drink. This is not a new rule, people! Why do you think movie theater concession prices are so high? Because we create the market for them by banning outside food. Some theaters will allow you to bring in regular coffee. But that’s it. And no, your freakin’ tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip does not count as coffee!
 
Don’t try to talk me into letting you in with outside food. It won’t work. Telling me that it is entrapment that there’s a Coldstone right across from the theater and because of that you assumed you could bring it in will not work. Proximity to the theater does not somehow make a certain type of food exempt from the policy. So, if you buy it, you have two options: throw it out or scarf it down. If you chose the latter, don’t complain about getting brain freeze. Deal with it!

I’m not abusing my authority or trying to be an A-hole. The thing is, if you’re seen chillin’ in the lobby eating Coldstone, I have to explain to my manager why I let you in. I also have to explain to other customers why I let you in but made them throw theirs out. So, in the end, you’re not getting in. It just isn’t worth the sh*t.
    
When I tear your ticket, wait a second; you’re going to get a stub back. Don’t just walk away. By doing that you’re making extra work for me because either I have to call back to you to give you your stub, or you’re going to later ask me to remember your face because you have to step out. And please, PLEASE, don’t ask me to remember you when there are a ton of people in the lobby. There’s just too much going on.

And, when I tear your ticket, I’ll also tell you where your theater is. Wait for it. Don’t leave and then come back and ask me. Also, when I tell you which side of the lobby your theater is on, I’ll tell you which way to go based on your position, not mine. If I say, “Theater number three is on your left.” Don’t proceed to my left. Again, it’ll make more work for me because I’ll have to point you in the right direction.

If you keep these things in mind, you should get into the theater quickly and smoothly, and will make my job a whole lot easier. And that would be much appreciated.

Part 2: Concession

The plan was to leave at 7:00 p.m. and arrive at the track around 8 p.m. Of course, much like any plans that I make or participate in, we were not on time. No biggie though, my dad was always on CPT, and thus, I inherited that fine quality. So, it doesn’t really bother me if I’m late. Well, except for a job interview.

Anyway, after a somewhat complicated plan to meet one third of our party at a mall that was close by, we were on our way. Now, my buddy Mike just recently traded in his suped –up Mustang for a one-year older, Mustang Cobra. I gave him a lot of sh*t for trading it in, but I have to admit, it’s nicer than his old Mustang.

The women (my girlfriend, his wife), as they shall be referred for the duration of this posting, were following us in my Civic, complete with duct tape. Mike’s desire to drop the hammer was thwarted by the sudden appearance of cops, or the lack of horsepower of my Honda. Although, he was able to illustrate the cars 0-60 speed multiple times. I, of course, was no fan of him mashing the gas as we were turning. We were fishtailing like we were on ice. I gotta admit, I was little scared. I think two drops of pee came out one time.

Anyway, we arrived at the mall and were waiting to meet up with two other people. We kicked around the idea of eating, but couldn’t really decide if we should eat or wait. The women had to go to the bathroom, so we headed for the food court. While the girls were in the bathroom, Mike went to buy a drink from this Chinese place. The guy gave him a free sample. Next thing I know, he’s ordering what I think was Teriyaki chicken and spicy BBQ chicken. I walked over, and the guy was trying to give me a free sample.
 
Now, anyone who knows me knows I’m not going to turn down free food. It was good, but I had to wait for my gf to come back to see if she wanted some – yeah, I’m considerate. She tasted it and agreed it was good, but opted for Chick-Fil-A. (Shrug) Whatever, give me the greasy, good chicken. Just as we started eating, we got the call that our friends were about 5 minutes away. We quickly finished up and headed out to the parking lot to meet them. Shortly thereafter, we were back on the road.

From the time we left the mall to when we actually arrived on the track probably wasn’t that long, but it felt like an eternity. I think it’s mostly because there’s absolutely nothing around the track. It’s all small houses on great, big lots, with trees, grass, more trees, and then some more trees. Some people would call it scenic. I call it boring, and a good place to get killed by some backwoods psycho. But, anyway.

We arrived at what we thought might be the track because, basically, it was the first thing we saw with a sign and lights. It turned out to be a dirt track, but the guy there was able to give us sound directions to the track: “Uh, you go down a little bit and make a right.” Ironically enough, he was right because the track was essentially the next right turn.

We parked and made our way in. It was more of a hike than I expected to the stands. We had to walk around the pit area because only one set of stands was open, but it was cool. We got to see a lot of the cars sitting and waiting to race. Most of the cars that were sitting were race cars. They had racing slicks, custom paint jobs, roll cages, and huge hood scoops… except for one car. An old, I would have guessed 1984 – 1989 Corvette, stock, with a spoiler.

I thought to myself that this car must be fast, since it was in with pro class. It wasn’t. It may have been the driver more than the car, I’m not sure. There was a full second between the green light and when he actually started moving, and he went down the track like he was just cruising on the highway. He got blown away by the other car, which was loud and took off like a pro would.

We watched burnout after burnout, and quick 1/8 and 1/4 mile runs. These guys weren’t joking. They came to run, and they came to win. Some cars looked awesome, like the 1975-1979 Chevy Novas with Custom paint jobs. And others did not, a 1985-ish Chevy Silverado that looked like it was painted black using spray paint. (It was pretty fast though.)

After the pros went, we got to what was called the street division. That basically means regular road cars. This was, by far, the most entertaining of the classes simply because of the types of cars being raced. Some guy raced his dark grey, second-generation 6-series BMW. The guy on the PA estimated the car to be worth $90,000, the most expensive car of the night. It’s on track performance didn’t really live up to the price tag, as the car spun its tires for the first few hundred feet. That killed its time.

Another person raced a Honda CR-V. Yes, a CR-V. And, there was a passenger in the car. It performed exactly how you would expect a Honda SUV to perform. Other cars that raced: a Chrysler 300M, a new Nissan Sentra, a bunch of Mustangs, an old 1985-ish BMW 3-series, and a 1994-ish Toyota Corolla. The Corolla had a dent on the passenger side with some sort of decal (it may have been tape that had drawings on it). As we were leaving, we passed the Corolla and the decal had, in hand written letters, the word, “ouch.” That car took the cake as POS of the night, at least for me.
 
The most popular car (by the number of them racing) of the night was, you guessed it, the Mustang. There were easily more than 10 Mustangs of varying years that raced that night. There were also quite a few Chevy Novas. I remember seeing multiple Chevy S-10 small pickup trucks, and a couple of Camaros.

I was surprised by the number of black people at the track. I halfway expected to be the only one. But, there were quite a few, and I think that all of the people who raced their superbikes that night were black. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It was just an interesting statistic.

There was a couple sitting in front of us with their 6-18 month old child. I had no idea how old the baby was, but s/he was small. The father was holding the child. When the cars would approach the line and do their burnout, creating massive clouds of smoke, the mother would cover the baby’s face with a cloth so the kid wouldn’t inhale the fumes. By the way, burning rubber stinks, if you don’t know. I don’t recall them covering the baby’s ears when the engines roared. But, far be it from me to criticize someone’s parenting skills.
 
I had a good time and would definitely go back. Next time, though, I think I wouldn’t sit by the starting line. The exhaust fumes and the burning rubber smell are overpowering. The next day, I had a hangover, and I didn’t have a single drink.